There is so much power in Godly friendships. There is something so special about friends who can pray, fast, cry, grow spiritually, challenge one another and ultimately glorify God together. There’s beauty in having multiple friends that play specific roles in your life. I believe everyone deserves to experience sharing intimate relationships with others that aren’t necessarily romantic or connected by familial ties, and so does God.
Even the Bible says, “A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”
I think we can all agree that friendship is amazing, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with ups and downs. When I think of friendship, here are a few important things that come to mind.
Seasonal friendships
I think sometimes people are meant to be in your life for a season. The love for them may not change. But as we grow and evolve and life changes pace, we may begin to drift apart – and that’s okay. It’s very difficult to maintain friendships as an adult, especially when marriage, children, moving cities, or career development come into the picture. As we begin to cultivate our relationships with our fiancée, husband, or children and shift our focus, our friendships are often put on the backburner. In the same way, as our career picks up or we move cities, our priorities change, and our friendships often get lost in the sauce – and that’s life. When our life begins to shift, so do our relationships. Unfortunately we are left to identify which friendships are meant to be long term and which ones are not. The unfortunate reality is that although all our friendships may be purpose – filled, not each one is meant to last forever.
Not everyone is meant to go on this journey, called life, with you. Not everyone is meant to ride with you till’ the wheels fall off like you may have thought. Not everyone is prepared, to climb the mountain with you, and go to the places that God has called you to go. Because the further you climb the mountain, the steeper it gets. And as you go higher, the air gets thinner, and not everyone is equipped to breathe in thin air.
Sis, all friendships aren’t supposed to last forever. Sometimes elevation requires separation from people that you love. But I want you to recognize that growth isn’t always going to be easy. And outgrowing friendships is just a part of evolving.
Your friends aren’t omnipresent
I think sometimes, we put way too much pressure on one person to meet all of our needs and desires. As humans, we can’t be in multiple places at once, serving multiple people at once without feeling diminished. – Because people are not omnipresent, people are not God. Sometimes, we can easily become co-dependent on our friendships, and we’ll require a friend to be omnipresent or meet needs they aren’t necessarily responsible to fulfill. Co-dependency is using a relationship to fill a bottomless void due to not feeling whole as an individual. It is the inability to recognize yourself as a separate individual from another person, and it consistently seeks validation and affirmation from that person.
There cannot be co-dependency without the belief that the person they are dependent on is inherently responsible for their wholeness. Therefore, it is idolatry, because no one is responsible for your wholeness and individuality but you and God.
If you sense that you and a friend are in a co-dependent relationship, pray about it, continue to seek God, and create boundaries for the relationship. Healthy boundaries give you the space to reflect and rethink your friendship’s dynamic.
The faucet drain-relationship
Sometimes your friend may bring up conversations that are more suitable for a professional counselor or a therapist. There are some things that you cannot help your friend work through, and that’s okay. Remember that you can only be a safe space for them, you cannot give them solutions for every one of their needs. Sometimes, people look for solutions in other people, instead of looking for their solution in God. A healthy friendship should not be draining; a healthy friendship should be life-giving.
A healthy friendship models the faucet-drain relationship. There are days when the faucet pours into you and replenishes you, when you’re drained, and then there are days when you’re doing the pouring. A healthy friendship models a give AND take relationship –it doesn’t just take.
Pay attention to your energy when you leave their presence. If you feel drained, you have to ask yourself, “Is this a friendship that I want to continue watering?” As an adult, it is your job to recognize when a friendship has moved from an asset to a liability. Sis—if the friendship is draining, it’s no longer serving you, don’t continue watering a dead plant.
Boundaries
Boundaries are so important in friendships. According to well – renowned, psychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera, “Boundaries are our own personal limits. They allow us to have space between us and others. They are the foundation of healthy relationships. Many of us don’t have or understand boundaries because we weren’t modeled clear boundaries by our parent figures or our boundaries were consistently violated or ignored.” Oftentimes boundaries are ignored in friendships because we either don’t know how to create them, or we are afraid of hurting our friend’s feelings by creating them.
But it’s important to maintain boundaries in friendships, to avoid co-dependency, a draining relationship, and our sense of independence. Getting more comfortable with boundaries, in every area of our lives, is necessary for self-growth. Boundaries say, “I’m committed to this, but my needs come first.”
If you’re uncomfortable with creating boundaries, try to start small. A boundary could look like, telling your friend(s) you don’t accept facetime or phone calls after 10 pm. A healthy boundary could look like, telling your friends you don’t stay out past 1 am. A healthy boundary could be telling a friend “It makes me uncomfortable to talk about this topic with you”. Boundaries respectfully prioritize our needs without ignoring the needs of our loved one’s or opting to cut them off completely.
Intimacy requires energy
If you have depression or anxiety, you’ve probably noticed that you lack energy at times. Well, I guess I’ll speak for myself. Sis—I’m almost ALWAYS tired, due to anxiety, and I know that plays a role in how I show up in my friendships and relationships. Truth be told I do not have the mental or physical capacity to maintain intimacy with a lot of people. At this point in my life, I acknowledge that I can only give a certain amount of energy to a very specific group of people.
Even, Jesus, in his humanity, realized He didn’t necessarily have time for more than 12 people (the disciples) and even within that 12, he only had 3 people that witnessed the more intimate moments in his life.
Sis, if you can give 100% of your friendship efforts to 6 great friends, more power to you. But if you can only give 100% of your efforts to 2 or 3, that’s good too. As long as you realize you can’t keep up with everybody, and you can’t half-do friendship, no one deserves a friend that is only their friend 50% of the time. For this reason, it’s important to evaluate how much effort you give to your friendships, and recognize your personal limits.
Although I trust that you have chosen your close friends wisely, and they respect your boundaries and limitations, you will have friendships that you must learn to nurture in ways that feel a bit unnatural to you. — But sometimes it’s necessary. True friendship requires time, effort, and sacrifice – it will stretch you. Although we may not always feel like giving 100% of our efforts by hanging out or having phone calls with our friends, the sacrifice is worth it. In the end, you will know, having a good friend you can depend on is better than being alone. Intimacy requires energy.
Friend breakups and reconciliation
I’d argue that friendship breakups are worst than real breakups. Getting over a guy, after a breakup is one thing (He was probably crusty anyways). But losing a real friend, is another! And if you’re like me, it sucks even more when you rarely connect with people, it makes finding genuine a friendship more valuable, so losing a friend is more painful.
Look, I’m definitely not an expert on this topic. I’ve lost a few great friends for petty reasons. I don’t know much, but I do know is that you should do everything in your power to hold on to the God-given, life-giving friendships. Why? Because they are VALUABLE, and anything that is valuable is worth fighting for. When it comes to friendship, conflict is inevitable. But don’t let the world have you thinking that cancel culture and the cut off game is better than the power of reconciliation – it isn’t. Conflict not only inhibits our worship, but it also breeds resentment and bitterness. If you’re fighting with a friend put your pride aside, be vulnerable, and communicate respectfully. If that person is truly meant to be in your life, you’ll be graced to handle the friendship and the baggage they come with, with compassion and care. Friendship will always have ups and downs, nothing is ever perfect. Don’t allow your pride to lose something that was supposed to be a blessing.
Uninvited
Have you ever felt rejected by a friend? Or shall I say a “friend”? If you haven’t you’re blessed. If you have, sis, oh my goodness, I’ve been there plenty of times.
So many times we overestimate our position or place in people’s lives, and when they don’t invite us to experience certain parts of it we are deeply hurt. If you’re like me and you love hard, you may have experienced this before. After you weren’t chosen to attend the party, gathering, or conversation, you were left heartbroken.
Sis– it’s important not to mistake transparent, intimate interactions with people as friendship. Just like in romantic relationships, a person who truly wants a relationship with you will show you.
If you’ve ever experienced this rejection before, I’m so sorry, I know by experience that it doesn’t feel good. But I’m here to remind you that God sees your hurt, and He loves you.
The people that are meant to be in your life will come in due time. In the meantime, remember that you deserve to be surrounded by people who want your presence. Not people who see your presence as an option.
Xoxo,
Tori