Okay, to be honest I’m writing this because I’m tired. I’m tired of hearing my friends say things like, “I’m never getting married” or “I’m never going to find a man of God”. I’m tired of hearing people say things like, “If you want to find a man of God you have to be a woman of God first.” I’m tired of hearing my co-workers say things like, “How is she married and I’m not?” I’m tired of watching people on reality shows do unhealthy things out of loneliness and a desire to be loved. I’m tired of hearing people say their partner is their other half and without them, their life would be incomplete. I’m tired of people using, “that’s why you’re still single” as an insult. I’m tired of watching people use relationships to fill voids. I’m tired of seeing “relationship goals” under dysfunctional photographs on social media. I’m tired of watching people get suicidal after breakups. So I guess you could say, I’m tired of the world acting like singleness is a death sentence –actually I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.
I’ll be honest… It is a selfish endeavor to look for another human to fulfill and heal you. It is wrong to demand that another person give you what only can be found in God. You see a man’s resources are too limited. It’s impossible for another human being to fill a void that he was never created to fill. Idolizing an imperfect human, will only leave you wanting more, you’ll be never fully satisfied. You cannot depend on a relationship with a man to fill your voids. And if you are, you are going to be disappointed because he won’t. You will not find love and fulfillment at the foot of a man’s bed or and if you think you’ve found it there, it’s only temporary. So many people settle for someone they know isn’t “the one”, because they’re afraid to be alone. They’d rather have a false sense of love and intimacy, than be forced to be alone with God. But what most people don’t understand is that intimacy with a man pales in comparison to intimacy with God. Single ladies, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need a man to be loved; true love is found at the cross.
A friend of mine said something I’ll never forget…she said, “You can live a full, fulfilling life as a single. You can have life in abundance, as a single… You know?” Her statement really hit me. Singleness is not a death sentence. Singleness is a gift, and it should be treated as such. Her statement was a reminder not to waste years of my life, lusting after a relationship, I was not yet in. So I really began to learn to embrace my singleness. I utilized my time to do the hard inner work, get whole, find myself, and enjoy my community. I vowed to live my life to the fullest with or without a man by my side.
A Christian influencer, Allyson Rowe, talked about 4 non – negotiables in your season of singleness. I think it’s important that these things are established during singleness, so that you are making the most of your time, and truly living out your season the fullest.
Those 4 non – negotiables are:
1. Identity and purpose.
2. Contentment.
3. Healing and Deliverance.
4. Surrender.
Let’s start with the first non-negotiable: Identity and purpose. It is imperative to know who you are and whose you are. If you have no idea who you are and what God says about you, it gives a man or anyone else too much room to tell you who you are! Don’t allow anyone else in this crazy world to define or distort your identity in Christ. Jesus say you are loved, forgiven, and valuable, and don’t let anyone influence you to think otherwise. When you know who you are, a man can neither take or add value to you. When you know who you are, another human being won’t be able to convince you that the things of this world will give you purpose, fulfillment, or validation. When you are solid in your identity, you won’t be influenced or fooled by anyone who tries to give you a different one.
The second non-negotiable is contentment. Contentment is so important. You must be able to find contentment in Christ alone, first. If you are not content with being alone with the God of the universe, what makes you think you will find contentment with a man in marriage? We live in a society that gives you the idea that if you’re not married, then you must be defected and unwanted. Our society teaches us that if you aren’t in a romantic relationship, you should be unhappy and unfulfilled. Those are lies. GOD IS INFINITELY ENOUGH. Romantic love was not created to complete or fulfil you, that’s God’s job. Don’t run to men looking for fulfillment and contentment, run to Jesus, He will fill you up and bring you joy, your future spouse is supposed to merely add to the joy you already have.
The third non-negotiable: Healing and deliverance. Healing is so necessary. When you enter a relationship with emotional baggage and unresolved trauma from your past, you bury past pains deeper inside of you. You forget to uproot the weeds from the past, and you slow down the new roots from blossoming. When you allow old baggage into a new relationship, you may end up not only hurting yourself, but also the other person. For example, if you haven’t dealt with your deeply seeded trust issues, those same trust issues will more than likely show up, one way or another, in your relationship. God is not going to give you a blessing you’re going to destroy. You don’t want your old baggage to stop you from being able to fully receive and enjoy your blessing. You see, it’s hard to receive a hug when your hands are carrying baggage. If your arms are open, but your hands are full, you cannot fully receive the love someone is trying to give you. God loves you too much to give you a blessing you aren’t equipped to carry.
And the last non-negotiable: Surrender. I get it, desiring a boyfriend or marriage is human and it’s a Godly desire. But learn to surrender to God’s timing and His plan for your life. Maybe God has you hidden at this time because He loves you too much to watch you end up in the wrong relationship. Maybe he loves you too much to have the wrong people handling your heart. You see, you’ll never be good enough for the wrong person, you want who God has for you, not whose available to you. So if you’re trying to rush things—stop. Stop creating tinder accounts, stop entertaining the men you know aren’t “it”, stop using random guys to buy you food and give you unwarranted attention, that only leads to destruction. Surrender your desire to be in a relationship to Jesus. When you surrender to His timing, it allows Him to bring the right one on His watch. The same God you are waiting for is the same God who created the heavens and the earth in less than 7 days. I promise, He will be right on time.
Last but not least, let’s talk about wholeness. I used to think that before I met my man, I had to have it all figured out. I was under the impression that everything in my life had to be perfectly aligned in order for me receive the man I’d been praying for. So many Christian cliché’s lead you to the idea that in order to receive a man you had to be “whole” and “ready”. But a friend gently reminded me that wholeness is not perfection. Wholeness does not mean you have to have it all figured out before you enter a relationship. Wholeness means that you’ve allowed God to fill your voids, and you’ve allowed Him to work on your heart and heal you from some of your deepest wounds. Wholeness is when you don’t have to rely on anyone or anything to give you the things that only Christ can. Wholeness is not relying on a man to give you identity, peace, or a sense of fulfillment. Google says there are two definitions of wholeness. The first definition is: (Wholeness) – The state of forming a complete and harmonious whole; unity. The second definition is: (Wholeness) – The state of being unbroken or undamaged. Ladies, when you allow God to fill you up, and walk in harmony with you, His love will begin to heal and deliver you in ways you’d never thought was possible. God’s love will begin to permeate every little nook and cranny in your heart that has been hurt or damaged and replace it with healing. That’s wholeness.
I’m NOT saying that you must MASTER all of these things before entering a relationship. I’m suggesting that these are key things that are important to establish and work through during singleness. These are simply tools that will give you direction, peace, and clarity. So that when God does bring that man into your life, you will be ready to fully receive the blessing.
God is God, and when he sees fit, he will bring the man you’ve prayed for. Satan will try to manipulate God’s word to make you believe you haven’t done enough to receive what you’ve prayed for. He will try to make you believe you have to “perform” and become a woman of God to receive a man of God. But the truth is: God blesses you beyond your performance. Nothing necessarily needs to be “established” in your singleness, other than relentless pursuit of Jesus and wholeness, not necessarily for the sake of receiving anything but simply because God is good.
But while you wait for the man that God has for you, I want to remind you that you are loved far more than you can ever imagine. I want to remind you that only Jesus can love with the type of love that fills you up. I want to remind you that love from a man pales in comparison to the love that nailed Jesus to the cross. Singleness doesn’t just prepare you for marriage; it prepares you for eternity with Christ in heaven. But while you wait for your man, use your time wisely, singleness is a gift, it should be treated as such.
Xoxo,
Tori