After I graduated college in 2018, I applied to a local hospital to be a neuro-psychometrician technician (a person who administers psychological testing for neuro-psychologists and neuro-surgeons). I don’t know why, but I felt called to apply for the position. After I interviewed for the job the first time, I didn’t get it. I was surprised because while I was waiting for the callback God told me, “It will be yours”. However, 6 months later the position re-opened and I applied again and I got it. It turned out the position was mine the whole time, God’s delay was not denial.
So about 3 months ago, I finally got to start my journey as a neuro- psychometrician technician, I was full of excitement. But the day I stepped foot into the neurology clinic, is the day the enemy waged war against me. The day I started at the clinic I was put on a timeline to learn everything I could about neuropsychology and psychometrics in 3 short weeks. With the steep learning curve and the timeline I was given, I knew I wouldn’t be ready, but the pressure to perform was higher than ever. I made embarrassing mistakes and I could see the look of frustration on co-workers faces. Whenever they gave me more information, I felt as if I was choking, like they’d tightened an invisible rope around my neck. Words of insecurity and self-doubt littered off my lips. My co-workers put me under so much pressure that it crippled me. When I did not meet their deadline, I began to hear them whisper to each other about my poor performance. On several occasions the women training me attempted to “set me up” by showing my manager documentation of the various mistakes I’d made over the past two weeks. They created a packet “to track my progress” which included direct quotes from me when I said I was unsure about something during training, and they even included instances when I used the restroom at an “inappropriate time”. They said and did so much more that I don’t even have the time to mention. I hadn’t even been working there a month, and I was being bullied and harassed.
I was stressed to the point that I became physically and mentally impaired. This caused me to learn even slower than I normally would. I was anxious to the point that I could barely function. I could be sitting still in the clinic, but feel as if I was physically fighting. I was drowning and God was silent during the midst of it all.
I wasn’t eating or sleeping well, my heart was palpating, and I had a heavy feeling in my chest and a tingling, numb sensation in my arm. Even during my free time, my mind couldn’t truly rest. My spirit was in this constant state of chronic worry.
I began to doubt that I belonged in the position. No one should kill themselves over a job, maybe God is trying to tell me this job isn’t for me. If the shoe doesn’t fit, why am I forcing it to fit? Maybe I’m just not equipped to do this work or fight this battle. But on the other hand I thought, maybe this is just a test, and God wants to use this experience to sharpen my weaknesses. Maybe this is working for my good. Maybe this is teaching me good work ethic. Maybe this experience will make me stronger and be a blessing in the end… I wrestled with whether to endure the situation or leave constantly. I reached out to so many Godly women for wise council, but everyone’s different opinions just led to confusion. When I prayed, it was as if my prayers were defective. I felt like the loving Father that I was so familiar with ghosted me when I needed Him the most. I was desperate for answers, but I refused to move while He was silent.
So every day, I gathered just enough strength to show up, and I kept showing up. I fought my feelings, and I clung tightly to what I knew. And I held on tightly to the last thing I heard God say… “It will be yours”… I was hanging on by a thread physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The pressure from this experience was exposing who I really was. I was just a girl, crippled by fear and anxiety, and for the first time since I’d been saved, I felt so lost.
First I was confused. I asked God things like: “Why would You give me a position I would be no good at? Why would You give me a position that would destroy me? Why are You letting me suffer?”
My confusion then turned to rage. I thought, These women are flourishing, confidently in their positions, and they’re not even with Christ. But I’m with Christ, and I’m suffering. I asked God, “Isn’t this backwards? Shouldn’t I be the one with full of wisdom and confidence?”
Soon enough depression crept in. Everything fell dark. I was stricken with grief and sorrow. Life felt like a rabbit race of hopelessness. I’d lost hope in every aspect of my life, including myself. There are some nights when I’d go to sleep at 7 pm just to so my mind could have a moment of rest. Just so I could forget that God was silent, and how overwhelmingly alone I felt.
I tried to run from it, I tried to run from everything. I applied for a few positions and I even had an interview. I even considered moving back home — I found a way out – I found several ways out. But escape plans never felt right. I didn’t want to blame the toxic environment and people, or pressure, for the reason I backed out. I didn’t want to give the circumstances power because the job wasn’t the real source of the problem, the job just exposing my problems — fear, insecurity, and a need for validation.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to leave more than anything. At this point, I was completely mortified by the whole experience. But this small slither of hope in my spirit, wouldn’t allow me to throw in the towel. I didn’t want fear to win again. I couldn’t let the enemy steal my promotion. Even when my faith was tired, hope carried me day by day. I kept showing up and I kept persevering. I continuously refused to bow to my anxiety, insecurities, and the constant whispers of my co-workers.
I fought the only way I knew how: with scripture. I learned that Job remained steadfast during his test and that he refused to curse God, no matter what trials God gave him. In the end, God blessed Job for his faithfulness. And then I read about Paul a man who endured a trial beyond his own strength, but found comfort in the Lord.
I after reading these verses I sarcastically thought, “how inspiring” … Job, probably the most faithful man to ever grace the earth, and Paul, a man who literally wrote a third of the Bible, persevered through a rough time. That’s cute and all – but I’m TORI, I don’t have to suffer like this. I can walk away from this. I can walk away from God’s will. I have a choice to stay obedient and stay where God has placed me or leave.
The night I reached my breaking point finally came. I tearfully and quietly told the Lord, “If this is what I have to go through to build this ministry, I don’t think I want it. I’d rather stay quiet. I’d rather keep to myself, than suffer in the name of “preparation” again. To whom much is given much is required… And if this is what’s required of me, I don’t think I have the strength, I will die.”
That same night, I finally came across a Word from God that shook me. It said, “We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (Corinthians 4:16-18) When I read this, I immediately burst into tears. The thought of death for the sake of renewal didn’t sound appealing to me. But I was fully confident that this verse was my current reality. I felt like I was dying at work, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but God was using all of it for my good, for the renewal of my inner self.
Although I hated the circumstances and the position (I still do), I know that God placed me in it for a reason. And until this season is over, and until He has done what He wants to do in me and through me while I’m here, I will persevere. I am hopeful because I know I won’t be in this position forever. And I know I will be overwhelmed with blessings for remaining steadfast during a test. (James 1:12)
Yes, it’s hard and it hurts. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I gotta keep looking up, for the sake of who I’m becoming, and for everyone that’s attached to who I am becoming. I have to be lead by what God says. Not by my feelings or by what my mentors, my friends, family, pastor, or co-workers are saying, but by what GOD says. I gotta keep looking up. I gotta keep my eyes fixed and focused on Jesus even when he leads me to undesirable places.