1. Tell us about yourself. What is your story? What’s your love story?
My name is Naomi Sengiyumva Mahyor I am a 1st generation Burundian American. I am a best selling Author, a Poet, a Detention Counselor, and a Cultural influencer. I was born in a refugee camp in Tanzania. My family was assylumned to the US in 1998 because of our cultural identity. My father was a Hutu and my mother a Tutsi which made us a target. Due to the intensities of those details, the UN relocated selected families and my family was among those that were chosen. Therefore, I was privileged to grow up in the US. In 2008 other Burundians migrated to the U.S. and a small Burundian community was birthed. My mother tried her best to preserve her culture and she wanted her kids to learn her culture so she made us join the church community. My family soon became a family of firsts, paving the way for many. I used my privilege to become a bridge forming many grass-root, non-profit organizations advocating for the community I lived in.
My husband and I have a very unique love story. We weren’t high school sweethearts. We didn’t fall in love, at first sight, we were friends for about 5 years. When we first met we instantly became friends. I was in the process of allowing God to use me on my college campus, while also looking into preaching in my home church community (which was majority Burundian). While at school, I reached out to the pastor and he presented my request to the church board because a woman preaching was uncommon back home. Then I eventually got involved in a campus ministry by the name of Intervarsity, and I held a weekly bible study in my dorm. In addition, I was also involved in the bi-weekly prison ministry. As you can see, I was submerged in my purpose.
My husband was the president of his campus ministry, and I was in the process of planting a campus ministry. So when we met during a conference, his leadership caught my eye. Our ministries were the life of the party! We stayed up late worshiping and telling stories filled with laughter and encouragement. I could remember thinking to myself, not only were they handsome, but also they know the Bible and revere God. That caught me off guard, as most church guys that were my age were not interested in ministry life. This was different. Phone numbers were exchanged on the last day of the conference but were never used. Over the year later, we met for a second time at a regional conference, and that was the beginning of our friendship. This time Henry was noticeable. Not because he is 6’3, but because he was a head turner and many girls were calling dibs.
His appearance was noticeable, but the way everyone drooled over him was a turn off for me. At that time in my life, I was on a healing journey and working on my relationship with God, so I wasn’t seeking to be in a relationship. During the conference, we were able to hang out. When we hung out it felt like we had been friends for years; I could tell I was in good company. We talked about just about everything and in that, I learned a lot about his ministry and his experiences in leadership. After that conference, we decided to partner up. His ministry would come to our campus and evangelize, and I would take groups to his campus for events.
After graduation, we stayed in touch checking in with each other every semester. He then went to bible college while I continued my education. A lot transpired in those 3 years as I got into a committed relationship, and Henry went through the grieving process of an abruptly ended relationship of 5 years. In that 3rd year of school, the Lord was preparing me for marriage while calling me out of my relationship simultaneously. However, it was my junior year and I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t want to leave my relationship as this was my first real, committed relationship. It didn’t make sense, so I delayed my obedience. It took nearly a year for me to obey and end the relationship. My breakup was so devastating, and everyone had something to say about my decision. I didn’t have a good reason except that God told me to. After some time during this transition process, I asked God for some clarity and he sent me a dream seeing Henry. I woke up with my heart racing. I quickly rebuked it and told myself the devil gives dreams too. I had the dream in early November and soon after, to my surprise, Henry ended up calling me. Crazy right?!? After that he began calling more often, I spoke to him about my inevitable decision to leave my relationship and how hard it was to leave. He encouraged me to be obedient and shared with me his testimony about how God brought him through his emotional healing.
Finally, one night Henry video-called me he told me how he felt about me. He said, “Naomi I know you are just getting out of a relationship, and it’s still fresh, but I want you to know what my intentions are with you. Naomi, I know you’re going to be my wife. I know that will mean me being patient, and I’m not asking you to make a decision right now, but I just wanted you to know my intentions.” Yes ladies, he was that bold and direct. I then thanked him for making his intentions known. Once I hung up the phone, I sighed in relief. This wasn’t the first time someone told me I was to be their wife, but this was the first time I had confirmation on what God had already spoken to me. The rest is history in the making.
2. Do you believe Christian women should “prepare” for marriage? If so, what should that preparation stage look like?
I do believe every Christian should prepare for a spiritual marriage with God, since Christ is coming back for a bride (Ephesians 5:27). However, a physical marriage, here on earth is an institution, not a promise.
The prerequisite for a quality marriage is preparation. A part of preparation is asking yourself the hard questions and figuring out if you are willing to do what is necessary to have a good marriage?
Preparing for marriage means doing the hard inner-work. Some good questions to prepare for marriage can be: who am I? What on earth am I here for? How faithful am I? How selfish am I? What kind of habits do I have? What is my passion? Do I know my purpose? What are my core values? Why do I want to get married? Am I looking for validation or affirmation in marriage?
The next important thing to do during preparation is to learn what marriage is and isn’t. Marriage won’t be your fix-it place, it will be your exposure place. If you are selfish, marriage will demand you to be selfless. You can gauge your selfishness by checking your heart when it comes to serving Jesus. How are you as the bride of Christ? Are you selfish when it comes to your time with Him? Are you selfish when it comes time to serve Him?
You can prepare by figuring out what marriage can be and what it does not have to be. Chances are you know and are around some married people, you also know and can come from broken families. These people can be the ones you learn from. You can take notes from the good things you’ve seen and throw away the bad.
It’s important to have friends in places you aspire to be. If you want to get married, find some married friends that will help you see a Biblical example of marriage. Society and culture trains us to believe there will be a guy that will come and save us and we will live happily ever. This idea and our own perceived expectations have many women preparing the wrong way for marriage. Instead of working on being good partners, we are waiting on being saved from “singleness.” This is a non-biblical ideology. Many women make superficial checklists on what they need to do to get a great guy. Their prayer life is focused on the idea of obtaining an amazing man, instead of praying and preparing and learning what God’s will for their life is. But the truth is, if you want to prepare for a great marriage, it must start with you.
3. How did your life change when you were married? What remained the same?
A lot has changed since being married. But I do have to admit I’m not sure if it’s the pandemic’s doing or if it’s because my husband and I moved over 8 hours away from any immediate family. Since being married, I have experienced many relational transitions from friendships, to family, I even felt a shift with Henry.
This is the first year I adapted to a different dynamic with my friends. I also gained new married and engaged friends. Plus, my parents gave me a new honor. It was an odd transition from being their middle child to their married child.
When I was unmarried, I often felt neglected, but marriage made me feel like I had a voice. In regards to the shift with Henry, I dealt with a new level of inner work. Being married revealed parts of myself I never knew existed and I was faced with choosing to change or remain stubborn. It was like a smack in the face, daily reminder that just because I was married to a godly man, didn’t mean I arrived anywhere. Marriage takes constant, selfless work. I learned that marriage didn’t fix me, it exposed me. Henry is my mirror constantly showing me places I needed to evolve in while encouraging, pushing, and sometimes pestering me to become the best version of myself.
I had to shift my realities and assess what my function was. As a wife, my purpose had to be tweaked. I needed to learn what being a Biblical helpmate looked like. My role as a wife was entirely different than my role as a middle child. It was a weird and different transition. But, the thing that remained the same was God’s love for me. He still reached me, while I was transitioning, and helped me manage my unlearned territories.
Another big change was guarding my purity. When I was single I protected my purity for me and God. When I got married I added a layer and protected my purity for me, God, and my husband. I had to learn how to love my husband both emotionally and physically without shame attached. Coming from a background where the only time we heard about sex was when they were shaming us not to do it, I had a lot of built up anxiety. I loved that we had a strong friendship before marriage, and were mature enough to communicate about our purity and sex expectations before we said “I do”. Communicating this, early on, led to more excitement in our marriage, and unexpectedly strengthened my intimacy walk with God.
4. What advice do you have for women that have a strong desire to be married, but are in a season of singleness and celibacy, and often experience loneliness?
I have three things I’d like to encourage those that are believing, but are in a waiting season. The first thing I’d like to say is that if you aren’t in a relationship and you desire to be in one, you are not broken, you are not lacking anything, and it’s not a personal punishment from God.
Second is that, Mark 11:24-15 states, Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them…”
The first part of verse 25 shows that when you are believing in something, there are actions connected with your faith while you are waiting to receive it. What are you doing while you are waiting? What you do during this time is just as important as receiving what you are believing for.
God often prepares you for what you pray for before giving you what you prayed for. Are you okay with being single? Ask yourself why if your answer is no, and take a journey to learn why God has you where you are now. Don’t be so anxious to be in your next that you miss what God is doing in your now. Your timetable is yours! Don’t look around and allow comparison to rob you of the joy and time you could enjoy being single.
This is the time of your life. You now have time to work on yourself for yourself (there will be a time where this statement won’t be true). How I miss those days. Take this time to love and invest in yourself. You can only love someone to the limit you love yourself. So take this time to love yourself deeply. That way, when you receive what you are believing for, you will be able to love them well.
I know this is gonna sound so cliché, but keep your eyes on Jesus! That will be your game changer. He will become your dating secret sauce. He will grow you and lead you to be at the right place, at the right time, in the right space for what he has planned for you.
Lastly, get a group of people you can talk to that are on the same path as you. Accountability is needed so when the enemy brings distractions and deception, you are covered. Honestly, I almost blocked my blessing when it came to Henry. My friends had to encourage me to ignore the reasons for why I believed we wouldn’t work out. Your community is so important it could be the shield you need when a dart of fear and complacency kicks in. Your community can also help you combat loneliness. When you have a lot of time on your hands with an undisciplined mind your emotions can run rampant. Having Godly friends to call can help you starve those thoughts of unworthiness and loneliness.
5. How did you deal with unsupportive friends or family that were against your marriage (i.e. jealous friends, or those in disagreement with your marriage)
I had to realize that some people would be Moses in my life. Moses played an intricate role in helping the Israelites leave Egypt, but could not go to the promised land with them. This realization was so painful. I thought it was common sense to celebrate and show up for your loved ones, but this experience taught me that human relations are so multifaceted.
I can honestly say I was truly surprised about who was happy for me and who wasn’t. The wedding was a very public moment and because of that, I was able to see who was for me versus who just said they were for me. I didn’t have a huge inner circle, so dreaming up who I wanted to stand next to me at the wedding was a big deal. I wanted those who personally knew my journey and those I knew I could call on for better or worse. I wanted friends who would be there for the marriage and not just the wedding, to be by my side. In a perfect world, I had an expectation for specific people to show up for me, but the realities were because of life circumstances, finances, and personal maturity levels not everyone could show up at the wedding or support my marriage.
I dealt with unsupportive friends and family by choosing not to be easily offended. I needed to know where to place people. It wasn’t personal for some, they were just in a financial bind. For some I needed to be understanding they were dealing with their personal breakups and grieving family losses. Some family and friends didn’t understand our timeline. Others were jealous. Ultimately their lack of support did not move our love and care for them. But it did shift how much of us we shared. Boundaries shifted and accessibility to my life and details of my union with my husband was filtered with wisdom. When I was single, I had a few friends I was transparent with, but when I got married that group transitioned and shifted. Some of my single friends couldn’t relate or give me practical advice for marriage because it was a season they had not yet entered, so I gained married friends that could help me in those areas.
I learned not to take things so personal if people couldn’t support us, if they were jealous, or they didn’t approve that was their business. I focused on what God said. I focused on my relationship. I focused on those that were supporting me and encouraging me. I focused on maturing in my love walk with my friends. I also focused on where I could be better in my support of those that were around me, despite what I faced personally.
6. How did you know your husband was the one God sent for you?
There are so many books on “how to’s” trying to answer this question down in simple steps. The truth is I asked God and He let me know. Once I matured, I asked God for His opinion about every relationship I ever thought about getting into. I got so used to “no’s” that I almost didn’t believe a “yes” was coming.
But God is a man of His Word, and in the fall of 2013, in a time of prayer, God shocked me with news that I was to get married. He was specific about the kind of man I was to marry, so I knew who “he was” before I knew who he was. 2013-2019 was my waiting period. God took me on a journey that stretched me, teaching me how to love, communicate, trust, and grow. In this time, I did the hard work while believing for this mystery man. I knew Henry at the time, but it wasn’t until 2019 that he was presented to me as more than a friend. God purposely blinded me to prepare not only me, but also Henry, for our union.
7. The Bible doesn’t mention dating, that I know of, it only mentions singleness and marriage. What are your thoughts on Christian “dating”?
Though Biblical dating was never referenced to as “dating”, the people group in the scriptures did have a cultural system that took friendship to marriage. I believe that is what the function of dating and courtship is for. Many things have evolved, so culturally the journey to marriage has evolved as well.
I am going to make many generalized statements to paint a picture. In my opinion, family relationships are not as valued as they used to be. People are no longer dating to find a wife or husband. They date because they are bored or attempting to fill an emotional void. The West is the only place that focuses on love as the primary reason to date for marriage. Don’t get me wrong, love is a good reason to marry, but it shouldn’t be a primary reason, especially in a culture that doesn’t fully comprehend what love is.
I lost hope in the Christian dating culture because Christian dating wasn’t much different from the worldly way of dating. In my opinion, dating wasn’t a tool used to find a suitable mate or to figure out what you like or dislike about a person. Instead, dating became a place where people grew an extreme sense of ownership over their romantic partners to the point that we labeled people as “my ex”. It was so weird, to me, that even friendships were tainted if people desired to date their “exes”. People even passed up an opportunity to be with someone that could work out, in the name of staying loyal to their friend(s). I never understood this phenomenon.
My thoughts on dating are simple: do it with the Holy Spirit. Ask God while you are investigating whether or not you should take your friendship with someone to the next level. In doing so, God will help you navigate anything that pops up in that journey.
8. What is the difference between dating and courtship? In your opinion, what should Christian couples focus on in their courtship process?
When I think of courtship I think of structure and dating with accountability. I also think of asking parents for blessings, and making your intentions known from the beginning. Courtship has more structure than dating. Dating has become a hangout spot until something better comes along, while courtship sets the tone for intentional strides to marriage. While in the courtship process, Christian couples should focus on pleasing God. While pleasing God, they should focus on growing closer to God personally and as a unit.
9. In Christian culture, marriage is often idolized and seen as a “reward” for obedience to God for “good behavior”, can you explain how this ideology can be harmful to women?
Marriage is not a reward, it’s an institution. If marriage isn’t seen or spoken about in this light, it can become something elitist where people insinuate that you need specific traits to attain it. Honestly, marriages work when two willing people are diligent in working for something bigger than themselves. If it’s not seen this way, it can pervert the way many wonderful, single women see themselves in relation to God.
10. Have you experienced any mental health woes in your marriage? (i.e. bouts of depression or anxiety) If so how did you deal with it? If not, how has your marriage positively impacted your mental health?
My first year of marriage felt like I was living two different experiences simultaneously. I’m not sure if the pandemic heightened emotional experiences, but I definitely felt the lows and highs of my new union while our toxic traits were being exposed. We were becoming everything we were fighting so hard not to become. He didn’t listen to me. I didn’t understand him. We were both operating out of fear and cutting each other when honestly all we wanted was to be heard, validated, and cared for in our unique ways. This period of our marriage had me second-guessing everything about myself. I questioned my worth. I questioned if I heard God wrong. I questioned if we would ever get through it and I wondered why no one else could hurt my feelings the way Henry did. I had to see Henry as a partner. We had to sit down and talk through what we experienced and how we felt, and we always came back to this truth. That we are a team we have to continuously choose one another. After this realization I started seeing Henry not as the problem, but as my teammate that would help me fight the problem. When we worked together I saw my marriage pushing me to be the best version of myself. I got true love, correction, and care, and this made me grow in ways I never thought I could experience.