On August 17th of this year, popular gospelist, poet, singer/song writer, and creative Joseph Solomon announced his departure from the Christian faith. When I read his statement, at first, it felt unreal. An unnerving sense of numbness came over me, and almost immediately, tears welled in my eyes. I was grieved, that someone I admired so deeply and frequently gleaned from, walked away from everything I knew to be true.
Although I was burrowing in grief, to my surprise, I was subsequently met with a bit of resentment.
How could he so gently, yet so abruptly, slink away from the faith, and leave me and so many other troubled, doubtful Christians behind?
Joseph’s faith journey was so special to me. I felt privileged to witness and partake in his journey through his art, humor, and teachings. His work just moved me in ways that other creatives just — didn’t.
I could always relate to him – specifically about his experience with his intense bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. But I could never relate to him in his struggle with doubting and questioning his faith… Until recently.
Since June of 2021, a number of events have unfolded in my life that shook the foundation of my faith and led me to periods of extreme grief and suffering. And if I’m being brutally honest, this season has felt unbearable in a lot of ways. So much that it has left me questioning God’s true character, intentions, and motives in our creation.
My hard season has left me desperate for answers to questions like:
Although God doesn’t cause suffering, why does he allow it?
If the Bible says, “In His presence you experience the fullness of joy”, why am I so full of sorrows?”
Why does God *feel* so absent during my suffering, even when I cry out to him?
Although I am now educating myself on the topic of suffering in a Biblical context, my questions and sentiments about suffering was just a preliminary marker to other major theological concepts I had never challenged.
I am just now discovering, that for my entire life, I have blindly followed the ideologies and theological vantage points of other well-meaning Believers and spiritual leaders (whether the ideas were harmful or not). Concepts such as: purity, sexuality, marriage, divorce, gender roles, God’s wrath, God’s nature, and the list goes on, were all taught and instilled in me by the church.
I became so wrapped up in others theological viewpoints, that I never truly took the time to deconstruct what was being said and taught to me from an objective point of view. Instead, most of my spiritual foundation came from spiritual leaders and resources who already had a theological vantage point. And instead of reading the Bible to discovery my own perspective, I read the Word in agreeance with the viewpoints that were previously imposed on me. As a result, I absorbed a lot of harmful teachings.
In all of this, I am learning that everyone has a different interpretation of who God truly is, and what His Word is truly conveying. I can knock on the door of 10 different, Christian churches, and each church would believe something different about a particular topic.
This is why studying the Word for myself, in its proper context, is so important for me now. Like Joseph Solomon mentioned in his most recent podcast, “Whatever you believe you have to own it. You can’t lease it from anybody. You can’t rent it. You have to own it.”
This shook me because he’s right; truly owning your beliefs brings freedom and true peace.
My beliefs, ideas, and ideologies about these important topics can potentially change the trajectory of my life, and I don’t want to live a life where I feel bound or oppressed by my own spirituality.
My view of God and the gospel should never be harmful; it should be helpful. It should never be destructive; it should be liberating.
So, I am setting myself free to explore my Father and His Word in a way that’s spiritually healthy for me, on my own terms, and without apology.
Xoxo,
Tori