1. Who are you? What’s your story? Let’s talk about your history with mental health and wellness. What is the hardest time you’ve ever had to face with your mental health?
My name is Demetri Fisher II and I’m currently attaining my Master’s in Nursing from UCLA, Praise GOD! I played competitive sports until college which was a great experience growing up. Sports allowed me to build community and foster healthy and supportive relationships, some of which are still a part of my life to this day. Playing sports also taught me structure and gave me some mental fortitude. In sports, you have moments of failure and you are bound to lose some competitions. At a young age, sports taught me that it’s okay to fail as long as you learn and apply the lessons learned to get better! After every game, you watch film and see what you did wrong from a constructive standpoint, so you can address the mistake and hopefully not do it again. Oftentimes, after you correct the previous mistakes, and work to adjust them, you start winning again!
I take the lessons I’ve learned from sports and apply them to everything in my life, including school. Man, I have failed some tests and quizzes, but I only allow myself to feel bad for a couple of minutes. After that, I always ask myself, “How can I study better? How much did I study this time? Did I wait too last minute? Was I focused when I was studying or was I distracted with people, on my phone, or on the web more than I should have been?” Just like asking coaches for help, I’d ask my professors for assistance and use office hours to review for my exams, like I used to do with film.
I also allow space for self reflection in my relationships. At the end of the day, I go back over the day, in my head, and think about how I carried myself and how I treated others and myself that particular day. Sometimes I notice things in hindsight that weren’t fully processed in the moment. I laugh at myself when necessary rather than overthinking about situations that happened that day or falling into negative self-talk. I choose laughter because it’s the healthier option. Then I tell myself going forward, “We aren’t gonna do that again”. It is important to remember that for the most part, most people are so focused on themselves that they don’t even notice or remember the silly things you do. So when you do your self-reflections for the day, do it with pure intentions to make the changes to become your best self and don’t think too deeply about others opinions. It is important to have a healthy self-reflection.
I would say that I have experienced a lot of tests in my life that certainly could be seen as challenging experiences, but one thing that has gotten me through everything and anything is my Relationship With GOD. GOD has been so faithful and always there with me. Even me processing things the way I do, I know it is GOD who revealed those gems and HIS Wisdom with me to do so. I talk to GOD everyday, some days more than others, but me and HIM just be talking, man. Sometimes I’ll drive with no music, no podcast, just talking with GOD: Thanking HIM, Sharing how I’m feeling with HIM, lifting up my family and friends to him, just opening up to HIM, and listening to HIM Speak back. I know that this keeps me covered and mentally strong. No matter what I have experienced in life or was going through, I always went to GOD With it, meditated on scripture, and knew everything was and is taken care of and that brings immense peace.
2. Have you ever sought therapy? If so, was seeking therapy hard for you? Did you feel uncomfortable in any way? Why do you think there is such a stigma about seeking therapy in the black community?
I have never sought clinical therapy personally, but I consider my conversations with GOD therapy for sure! I do not knock clinical therapy either. Being a Christian in the science and medical field, people sometimes ask me my opinion on things assuming that I am very conflicted. However, GOD Created every natural thing, the laws of nature, all of that; GOD created science and science proves GOD’S existence, creativity, perfection, power, and love, in my opinion. I say all of that to say — going to the doctor is not bad, taking medicine is not bad, having a medical procedure to improve your health or save your life is not bad. GOD created the natural ingredients and made people intelligent enough to learn how they work together to create things that are beneficial for everyone. It is similar with therapy, there are very gifted and emotionally intelligent people who study psychology, patterns, human behavior, and psychosocial science to provide the best help they can in that area and people should use that tool if they need to. I feel like some people, especially within the black community, demonize therapy or look at it as a weak thing to do, when it’s not. It requires one to take off that layer of ego to ask for help.
3. Although men are impacted by mental health issues just as much as women, they are less likely to seek help. Why do you think that is? Does “toxic masculinity” play a role in men seeking support for their mental health? If so, how?
A lot of people in the male community, across races and ethnicities, can relate to this or a similar experience. Whether they themselves or a loved one opens up about something to their male friends and they are told to “figure it out” or given some closed-ended response that leaves them feeling weird for even bringing it up. Another thing that happens is that they get laughed at or lightly made fun of to change the subject or lighten the mood, but little do they know there are people in the room feeling the same way, but no one knows how to bring it up or talk about it. But what they do see is the negative reaction of others when someone else does bring something heavy up, so they just keep it in. It is a thing in the male community, especially amongst black men, to be able to “do it on your own.” It’s like a part of this invisible social contract that if you “did it on your own” and without any help then that proves your manliness and dominance. Also, oftentimes, men don’t even share their deep and raw feelings with their friends or even their spouses so they assume it will be even harder to do that with a stranger. Men often feel like it is their job to figure everything out and have their wives, family, friends, kids be able to look at them with pride and know they have it all together. In turn, this enforces the idea that it is not okay to ‘have a moment of weakness’ and disclose what they’re going through because that will insinuate that they don’t have it all figured out and that they are less of a man. Men don’t want to be doubted by those they are supposed to be leading. Truth be told, no one has it all figured out and a lot of people may be surprised to know how freeing it can be to admit that to a trusted person and get some insight, wisdom, and tips on how they can figure that thing out that is troubling them. Most people don’t understand that when there’s a will, there’s a way and it can be figured out! Therapy can provide that shortcut and be that resource to help you “figure it out” which will make you an even stronger person for those you want to be strong for.
4. Studies have proven that men are more likely to commit suicide than women. Why do you think that is?
Since the beginning of time, men have been tasked with the duty of provider and protector which is no light duty. That duty combined with the mental effects of the modern world, consumerism, social media, having this and that, reaching whatever idea of success they have created for themselves, and in addition to that, just the human experience of feeling and providing love, confidence, and joy within oneself, it can be a lot. There is a balance to it, but there are so many distracting things that keep people in a constant state of imbalance. Also, like I mentioned before, women are more comfortable with sharing their feelings and business with one another, but men don’t have that outlet as much in their community, when they need to get stuff off their chest. In the Bible, James 5:16 says, “men have to confess their wrongs to each other and pray for one another because the prayer of a righteous man availeth much,” It is so important to have a community of men you can trust, be transparent with, and get good, wise, trustworthy, beneficial advice from. Surrounding yourself with other Godly men and Godly friendships is necessary for growth and the hard times that you will experience every so often.
Also, something that is so so so so key is the woman a man chooses to partner in life with. Fellas, having a good woman and healthy relationship is life changing! But if you have someone who is not the best for you (or you for her, or ya’ll for each other), that can take years off ya life for real, releasing all that unnecessary cortisol. That is another thing with men, humans really, we are similar to animals. Rams buck heads, peacocks strut their feathers, frogs do what frogs do and men buy nice cars, clothes, jewelry, houses, and want a bad female under their arm to show off. Men want to feel like a dominant, alpha male in this jungle of life. And no matter what a guy says, they do most of those things to attract women and display their bravado. There are some things that guys get that are really for them; some guys really grew up loving cars so they know the specs/science/every detail, same with shoe collectors and things like that. However, for the most part, as for the guy with yeezy’s or the guy in the lambo who can’t tell you anything about the car past its horsepower, he probably got it to show off. Whether he realized it or not it probably had something to do with peacocking. Some men are chasing their tail for an image or breaking their back for a woman for the wrong reasons. My perspective may be unique because I am from Los Angeles and see these things at the peak of what it could exist at. I guess, I see a lot of men who spend a lot of time creating a version of themselves to fit into this ‘dominant alpha male bravado’ or have this image that sometimes doesn’t even align with who they are. I’m no psychologist but that has to do something to a person. Men have a lot of societal expectations to meet, just to be looked at and respected as a man, along with finding who they are as a person, and all that other life stuff. It can be tough when you feel that you have no outlet or anyone to go to, to just listen or offer advice. We are communal beings, so we are programmed and wired to do life together. Having strong, healthy and transparent friendships and romantic relationships can keep you straight if you’re going off track from being you!
5. How were issues of mental health handled in your household and friend groups growing up?
I was Blessed enough to have a dad and mom that welcomed transparency, so I never felt like I had to keep stuff bottled up. They helped me grow my relationship with GOD and my Prayer life at a young age.
6. Have you ever dealt with a traumatic experience(s)? If so, how did you deal with them/ cope?
Yes I have and to be honest, I talked with GOD every day, listened to Gospel Music, and stayed in Prayer which brought me immense peace and a calm mind. Having my family there for support also helped me tremendously.
7. If you have ever dealt with the death of a loved one or close friend, what did your grieving process look like? Do you feel as though you had “permission” to grieve, as a man? Or did you feel as though you had to keep your emotions “bottled up”?
Of course. I understand and accept that death is a part of life. Most the people I know who passed had relationships with GOD and accepted JESUS as their LORD And Savior, so I know they are in Heaven and that brings me peace. I have never been one to be ashamed of having emotions. I actually find it a helpful part of my healing process to speak at the funerals of those I was close to and if I cry then I cry, there is release in that and a weight that’s lifted off me when I do.
8. How has your mental health impacted your spirituality/ walk with God?
It is easily one of the strongest components of why my mental health is so good and my mind is fortified. If I ever feel weird or fuzzy mentally, I faithfully recite Scriptures.
2 Timothy 1:7, “For GOD hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind.”
Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in The LORD with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE Will Direct your steps.”
Psalms 35, Psalms 91 and a few others always bring me peace and help me to calm and clear my mind.
9. How have the pressures of school or career development played a role in your mental health? I personally believe a lot of men have a lot of pressure to succeed in their twenties, so that they are able to provide for a woman or family in the future. How has that impacted you or the men around you, in regards to mental wellness?
You are not wrong. GOD has Revealed at least part of my purpose to me and I just take care of that day by day. I don’t spend too much time on social media; I post and ghost. It helps me keep my mind occupied with things that are beneficial to me and the fulfillment of my purpose and from getting caught up looking to my left and right instead of forward. I know that if I take care of what GOD has given me, then I will be more than solid to provide for my future family and myself… plus some.
10. When you are having a tough time with your mental health, have you ever turned to unhealthy ways to cope? (i.e. drinking, drugs, sex) If so, why did you turn to those things instead of an healthier outlet?
I have had this conversation with some friends who do and even they know that this never helps solve the problem, it just temporarily distracts you from them. You have to man up and face these things head on. Everything is defeatable, some people just don’t realize that.
(or reverse the question)
When you are having a tough time with your mental health, have you ever turned to healthy ways to cope (i.e. therapy, talking to a friend, self care) If so, what convinced you to turn to those things instead of an unhealthy outlet?
If I’m feeling funky, I go to GOD in conversation about it. I think of what is making me feel funky, why is that thing making me feel like that, and is there anything that I can do or change to alleviate it and not feel like that again. I also faithfully recite certain scriptures that bring me peace. Romans 8:31 ‘If GOD is for us than who can be against us”. I also remember that way too much credit is given to the devil and demons. We know WHO has the Victory! Angels are way stronger than any demon.
11. What advice do you have for men who deal with daily bouts of anxiety, depression, low self – esteem or other negative feelings?
Man, everyone’s battle is different but what I can say is that GOD is there for and with you. Maybe you have to relearn who GOD is because the Church or some people messed HIM up for you, or never really taught you Who HE truly is. Maybe you experienced some things and blame GOD. I been through some thangs, but because I always gave it to GOD and trusted HIM no matter what, there were always lessons and Blessings in them and I came out way better each time. It’s important to remember that GOD Created nature (which works perfectly) and put us here with free will. The devil plays his tricks but GOD is always accessible. A lot of what happens is a result of human choices, and not GOD’S fault and when we can realize that, we can accept things differently and go to HIM more often, openly, willingly, with trust, and freely.
Be careful not to open up to the wrong people. I encourage you to find someone who you trust, who is mature and wise (don’t get advice from a knucklehead) enough to respect your transparency and privacy and have that person you can go to share things with (a lot of you have those people or that person in your life). Vulnerability can be scary but you’d be surprised how freeing it is too. We are communal beings and do not have all the answers. Sometimes the answer(s) you’re looking for, or don’t even know you need, are given in those (sometimes vulnerable) conversations.
You all have gifts and passions, Pray to have them revealed to you; offer beauty and value to the world through those things. You are passionate about whatever it is for a reason. You’re special and unique no matter what anyone else or you may tell yourself. Everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself 5 to 10 nice and powerful things about yourself and mean it. It may feel weird or stupid at first but stay consistent. By making these small changes in your life, you’ll begin to feel differently over time. You cannot be the person speaking negatively to yourself and cursing your own destiny. Speak life to yourself and over your life man. Words are powerful, GOD Created the world with them, remember that and use them for good.